Keep on the bright side of life!

So today is Sunday and I am at home because I got sick this morning (again). I am writing this entry while I wait for my food to digest a little bit and then I'm going back to bed to rest for a while. Things are still, as far as I know, up in the air as far as what will happen with the baby, which is torture because I'm not a very patient person and I'm also, understandably, anxious about what is going on. Since I last posted, few things have changed, but what has changed has given me a little hope, which I hate to count on incase I'm wrong, but at this point I kind of feel like no news is good news. I'm going to recount a couple of things that might seem a bit...ah, gross? No, graphic? Not that strong...basically I'm pretty sure only girls read this blog, so I'm fairly sure it won't be an issue anyway. :-)

Good News (I think)

• Last Tuesday when this happened, I cramped and bled the entire day- my cramps were so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand straight when I was walking, I had to hunch a little. Wednesday wasn't nearly as bad, and by Thursday my cramps were gone and I haven't had them like that since.
  
• The bleeding has all but stopped and I've passed some clot-like looking substances. Basically I'm just spotting a lot of brown stuff and it's not heavy in the slightest. I stopped bleeding red about the same time I stopped cramping.
  
• I'm still nauseous. I know that sounds weird, but when I miscarried I wasn't sick at all through the whole time I was pregnant and that was a red flag to me that something was wrong because usually I get quite ill. Yesterday I felt really good, which made me nervous, but it hit me like a rock this morning again and now I am home sick again. If nothing else it means that that good ol' HGC is pumping through me just fine, which hopefully means the baby is still okay.
  
• I haven't miscarried yet. No news is good news....no news is good news...

What makes me stay up at night with worry:

• All the "what if's?". What if I start bleeding again? What if I start cramping again? What if I'm okay and we go to the doctor on Tuesday and the clot isn't gone and the baby isn't going to make it? What if I hemmorage and I don't make it? They just get worse as I keep going, but you get the idea...
• All the "what was thats?". What was that twitch? What was that sting? What was that pain? What was that gurgle? Am I cramping? Am I bleeding? All of which cause frequent trips to the bathroom to find that nothing has changed and I'm still okay. And lots of deep sighs.
  

Some of the moments of clarity:

• Chloe asking me if I'm okay just as much as Craig is and always snuggling up next to me to tell me she's there to help me feel better and that everything is going to be okay (seriously, she says that). She gives me lots of hugs and often feels my forehead when I'm lying down to announce that I am warm and need to rest. When she left for church today I was sitting on the stairs and she came back three times to hug me and give me another kiss and tell me she loves me before she got in the car. And Linus just being himself and making me giggle at all the funny things he does. I try to catch him when he's getting tired and is carrying around his blanket and he comes right over to me and snuggles up with a heat meltiing sigh of comfort right up to my neck and lets me hold him like he was itty bitty again. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I am the luckiest mom in the world.
  
• Craig taking care of everything when he's at home. Cleaning, kids, dinner, everything. Any little furrow of my brow and he's checking in on how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, what he can get for me or do for me. And he still puts on a smile and makes me laugh whenever he can. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I'm the luckiest wife in the world.
• My amazing family on both sides that have dropped everything to help out. Craig's mom taking the kids from me whenever she can so I can get some rest. My mom coming up with the whole family on Thursday night to bring me dinner when Craig was at a pack meeting and bring me flowers and let my brother and sister play and help take care of the kids and then just visiting with me until they had to go back. My dad's montra "pass the clot! pass the clot!" and frequent messages of love whenever I need them most. All the emails and text messages of all my friends and family who are "just thinking about me and sending prayers and good thoughts". All of this has helped both Craig and I get through this week.
• The calm whisperings of the spirit when I am praying or reading or just trying to turn my thoughts in a better direction that the Lord is looking over me and the baby and our family and that no matter what happens, everything really is going to be okay.
  

So dispite all the hardships, it has made me grateful for what I have. Even grateful for puking! Okay, it still stinks, but at least I have a reason to be grateful for it, which believe me, I have had no reason to be grateful for until this point. Love you all, thanks for the kind words, prayers, thoughts, and love. It really has made a difference. :-)