Second of all, I need some advice. There is a family who moved in across the street a few years ago that we lovingly call "The Texans". Why? Because they are from Texas. They are an interesting bunch. We are never quite sure who is living there and who is not. We've identified an older couple who we think are the "parents", and then some adult siblings who are kids of theirs (???), maybe 4 or 5 of them who also live there, one of whom is a mother to a little boy, who I'll call "C", and at least one or two teenagers, but it's unclear who actually lives there and who is just visiting. C is maybe 5 or 6 but he's small for his age and he looks a lot younger. The mom has various boyfriends, we think, who come and go and we see C with a different person outside all the time. I've had maybe two short conversations with C's mother, and from what I understand, they moved out here for financial reasons and C's father passed away before they moved here. However, C calls his grandfather "Dad", I suppose as a substitute, and also calls various said boyfriends "Dad" occasionally as well. There are ALWAYS people coming and going from their house, there is frequent screaming fits to be heard around the neighborhood that they display on their driveway, and C is very unruly, is frequently the source of the screaming or being screamed at, and runs away a lot. C comes over to visit us a lot when I and the kids are out playing or when Seth and Kyle next door are out playing. He can be nice, he can be nasty, he has stolen things from his "gaurdians" and placed them in various spots around the cul-de-sac (and we lock up all the toys when they aren't being used instead of leaving them out anymore...), sometimes he swears, sometimes he asks politely, he was snitching my strawberries without asking for a while until another neighbor caught him and brought him over to make him confess and make sure he asks next time, and he rarely listens to instructions from anyone older than him.
That's the background in a nutshell. Here's what concerns me. He comes over to play with everone a lot, and Chloe is old enough now that she can interact with him a bit more. I came home from Odell's doctor appointment yesterday and Chloe, who was running around outside with all of the kids, ran up to me and excitedly proclaimed "Mom! C kissed me!" Okay...how do I react to this? If it were a boy from church or from a family friend, I probably would laugh it off and tell her that boys had cooties and not to kiss them or something like that and not think about it too much unless it became a frequent occurance. Did he kiss her because one of the other kids told him to? Was it on the cheeck? Was it on the mouth? I thought about it for a minute, and then briefly told her not to kiss C or let him kiss her, and then decided I'd discuss it with Craig later. We both agreed when I talked to him about it that we don't know what C sees as appropriate relationship behavior in his home and we certainly didn't want Chloe thinking that kissing boys at her age was okay, so we talked to her about it before she went to bed and told her that she was not to kiss C and if he tried to kiss her again, that she needed to tell us and tell him not to kiss her. This began to make me a bit sick with worry about letting her play outside unless I am watching her every minute, especially when C is around. There is also another family that seems to have moved in with the Texans recently and they have a boy who is maybe 11 or 12, I don't know his name, who was running around the yard and in the front with Kyle and Seth and another neighborhood girl. So today I decided to take a walk with the kids to a nearby park since I hadn't done that with them since I got pregnant and left Odell next door so I could play with them on the playground. Well we got there and the only other people at the park were C and his Dad-Grandpa person and maybe an uncle? One of the other adults that lives in the home. I didn't think about it much until the kids started playing and immediately I noticed that C and Chloe were holding hands around the playground. Holding hands...harmless enough, I guess, I'll just keep my eye on them...until I got a phone call from another woman at church who needed to talk to me about some preschool group stuff for Chloe this fall. Linus was making a mess out of something in my purse, so I got momentarily distracted- when I hung up the phone, C and Chloe were at the top portion of the playground where there is a little bench holding hands, he was playing with her hair gently, and then he gave her a big bear hug. Usually that type of thing might look a little heartwarming, but my gut just sank and I told Chloe it was time to go home (which it was anyway, I had to be back before Amber went to work to get Odell). I started putting her in the wagon and decided that I had to confront C and his "gaurdians" present about the situation and my concerns on the matter, especially when Chloe told me that he kissed her again as she was getting in the wagon, this time with a look of anxiousness on her face because she knew we had told her not to do that (whether that actually happened again at the park is debatable because sometimes Chloe remembers things that didn't really happen, typical of a 3 year old, and all the while I was harping myself for not paying closer attention to the situation while I was right there watching it). So I approached the two men and C as they were sitting at a picnic table and asked if I could talk to them about something. I said that Chloe had told me that C had kissed her recently, to which C immediately denied. I ignored him for a moment and said that I thought Chloe was a little too young for that kind of thing, which the adults both heartily agreed to while sternly looking at C, and C piped up again and insisted that he didn't. I looked at C and in a voice often heard from me at school with my students, told him that if that was true, than we just needed to keep it that way and that if Chloe ever tried to kiss him, he should not let her. Both the men again agreed, and thanked me for talking to them about it. But I still feel a bit sick about it when I think about it, considering all that could happen or could have happened and just being a motherly worry-wart about it. Even for a minute, I resolved, I will not let her go anywhere between the two yards (grandma's and our lawn is connected without any fences and the kids are good about staying out of the street and playing between the two yards) when any of the Texans are around unless I am there watching her. Which means if I can't do that for whatever reason, then we don't go outside. Maybe I'm being paranoid, and I'm usually the first one to stick up for kids in troubled situations and point out that they need good influences in their lives, but I guess it's just a different story when it comes to your own kids. I'm not going to go out and tell the Texans not to let C come over anymore or anything drastic to that level, but I'm not going to let Chloe go romping around the yard with C or the other older boy by any means and will squelch any more signs of hand holding, hair stroking, bear hugs, and especially kisses. If anyone has any advice for a worry-wart mother such as myself or has dealt with anything similar to this, I would appreciate the help...
If this is how I feel now, I think I'm going to be in trouble when Chloe gets to be a teenager!
5 comments:
Keep up the good work mama! I think you are doing great! We had a very "loud" family living next to us once and one child would always come over. Hard situation but hopefully Chloe could be a good example for him.
Ahhhh!!! Absolutely adorable! I can hardly contain myself... simmer down girl. Thank you! I reallllllly need a baby. They hold still so much better than 2 year olds! I can hardly wait for more to come.
As for your neighbors... we've had interesting neighbors, but not a lot of direct contact. We are told to pray for our neighbors. And maybe just pump Chloe full of virtuous values - more than usual. I think you did the right thing by talking to his guardians. At least now if something drastic happens (which it probably won't) at least they were aware that it has concerned you before. If all else fails... have Craig teach Linus how to fight if he ever sees a boy touching his sister again!
I think your handling it really well, that would be hard. You can never be too careful with your kids!
Good Mommy antenna, Chels. Your gut is telling you something--listen to those still small voices and know that you are being given inspiration to act. Ask yourself why did "C" deny it, if it was so innocent on his part? Is he feeling guilty because of previous encounters of the same kind? Had his guardians warned him about this behavior, before?
You and Craig are shining examples in your neighborhood, but you have little control over what goes on in C's world. Setting clear parameters and expectations is job 1. Letting your kids know as situations arise that they have power to control behavior-even if it means walking or running away (and to recognize inappropriate-to-age behavior without fear) is vital. You're giving Chloe tools to cope with all sorts of situations she will encounter. You just need make sure she is not fearful, any explanation of your stand on this can be done with love. Set up the trust that she can come to you with no fear or guilt, and you've done a great job. xxoo
I completely agree that if you ever feel uncomfortable - take care of it. If there's anyone in the world that's going to be in tune with things regarding your kids - it's you. Better safe than sorry - I've seen what happens when the parent doesn't listen to how they feel and don't discuss it with the child and you certainly don't want to go there. So I say "Good Work!" Keep those lines of communication with the kids open!
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