Keep on the bright side of life!

So today is Sunday and I am at home because I got sick this morning (again). I am writing this entry while I wait for my food to digest a little bit and then I'm going back to bed to rest for a while. Things are still, as far as I know, up in the air as far as what will happen with the baby, which is torture because I'm not a very patient person and I'm also, understandably, anxious about what is going on. Since I last posted, few things have changed, but what has changed has given me a little hope, which I hate to count on incase I'm wrong, but at this point I kind of feel like no news is good news. I'm going to recount a couple of things that might seem a bit...ah, gross? No, graphic? Not that strong...basically I'm pretty sure only girls read this blog, so I'm fairly sure it won't be an issue anyway. :-)

Good News (I think)

• Last Tuesday when this happened, I cramped and bled the entire day- my cramps were so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand straight when I was walking, I had to hunch a little. Wednesday wasn't nearly as bad, and by Thursday my cramps were gone and I haven't had them like that since.
  
• The bleeding has all but stopped and I've passed some clot-like looking substances. Basically I'm just spotting a lot of brown stuff and it's not heavy in the slightest. I stopped bleeding red about the same time I stopped cramping.
  
• I'm still nauseous. I know that sounds weird, but when I miscarried I wasn't sick at all through the whole time I was pregnant and that was a red flag to me that something was wrong because usually I get quite ill. Yesterday I felt really good, which made me nervous, but it hit me like a rock this morning again and now I am home sick again. If nothing else it means that that good ol' HGC is pumping through me just fine, which hopefully means the baby is still okay.
  
• I haven't miscarried yet. No news is good news....no news is good news...

What makes me stay up at night with worry:

• All the "what if's?". What if I start bleeding again? What if I start cramping again? What if I'm okay and we go to the doctor on Tuesday and the clot isn't gone and the baby isn't going to make it? What if I hemmorage and I don't make it? They just get worse as I keep going, but you get the idea...
• All the "what was thats?". What was that twitch? What was that sting? What was that pain? What was that gurgle? Am I cramping? Am I bleeding? All of which cause frequent trips to the bathroom to find that nothing has changed and I'm still okay. And lots of deep sighs.
  

Some of the moments of clarity:

• Chloe asking me if I'm okay just as much as Craig is and always snuggling up next to me to tell me she's there to help me feel better and that everything is going to be okay (seriously, she says that). She gives me lots of hugs and often feels my forehead when I'm lying down to announce that I am warm and need to rest. When she left for church today I was sitting on the stairs and she came back three times to hug me and give me another kiss and tell me she loves me before she got in the car. And Linus just being himself and making me giggle at all the funny things he does. I try to catch him when he's getting tired and is carrying around his blanket and he comes right over to me and snuggles up with a heat meltiing sigh of comfort right up to my neck and lets me hold him like he was itty bitty again. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I am the luckiest mom in the world.
  
• Craig taking care of everything when he's at home. Cleaning, kids, dinner, everything. Any little furrow of my brow and he's checking in on how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, what he can get for me or do for me. And he still puts on a smile and makes me laugh whenever he can. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I'm the luckiest wife in the world.
• My amazing family on both sides that have dropped everything to help out. Craig's mom taking the kids from me whenever she can so I can get some rest. My mom coming up with the whole family on Thursday night to bring me dinner when Craig was at a pack meeting and bring me flowers and let my brother and sister play and help take care of the kids and then just visiting with me until they had to go back. My dad's montra "pass the clot! pass the clot!" and frequent messages of love whenever I need them most. All the emails and text messages of all my friends and family who are "just thinking about me and sending prayers and good thoughts". All of this has helped both Craig and I get through this week.
• The calm whisperings of the spirit when I am praying or reading or just trying to turn my thoughts in a better direction that the Lord is looking over me and the baby and our family and that no matter what happens, everything really is going to be okay.
  

So dispite all the hardships, it has made me grateful for what I have. Even grateful for puking! Okay, it still stinks, but at least I have a reason to be grateful for it, which believe me, I have had no reason to be grateful for until this point. Love you all, thanks for the kind words, prayers, thoughts, and love. It really has made a difference. :-)

Life happens to the best of us...

Yesterday I celebrated 14 weeks being pregnant.
Today was a good reminder that we are never exempt from trials.
The day started as usual, Craig had to leave early, so I got the kids fed and got Chloe ready for her preschool group. I put a movie in for the kids so I could go take a shower around 8:30. I got dressed and stared blow drying my hair and suddenly the normal feeling cramps I had been having that morning didn't feel so normal anymore. In fact they hurt pretty bad. I convinced myself that it was just gas or the baby was just growing, so I ignored it for a few minutes. When I got finished drying my hair, something told me I ought to call the doctor just in case. So I did. I debated on whether this was just a cheap way my subconscious was trying to find to get out of work that day, but I decided it was better to be safe than sorry. The cramping was constant and uncomfortable and painful. I described this to the nurse on the phone who told me that she wouldn't be able to tell me what was wrong over the phone, so I set up a time to come in at 10:30. I felt dumb, I was sure that I was going to just go in and they were going to tell me to go back to work, but I went ahead and got a sub for the day. My mother in law took Chloe to her preschool group and took Linus with her so I could get ready to go to the doctor. I sat down and quickly wrote out my plans for the sub, still feeling dumb until I stood up and realized that I'd been bleeding, pretty bad. I called my mother in law, I called Craig, and I called my doctor again and my mother in law, bless her heart, came right over and arranged so that she could drive me into the doctor. Forty minutes later we were in the ultrasound room looking at a healthy heart beat of a tiny baby in my tummy who, aside from looking a little cramped, looked very healthy. The lady doing the ultrasound was very kind and took measurements of the baby and printed me out some copies. I spotted some when I was pregnant with Chloe, and thought for sure that this must be the same thing, and the woman doing the ultrasound seemed to agree. We went back into the room, I called Craig and told him he probably wouldn't need to get off work, that the baby was fine, and that I would just rest and stay over at his mom's house for the day. A few minutes later, my doctor came in. My hope crashed to the floor as she explained that there was a large blood clot in my uterus, who knows why it's there, but it looks like my body is trying to miscarry the baby. There is a chance that it will heal on it's own and that I will just pass the clot and the pregnancy will carry on as normal. But there's also a chance that won't happen and that my body will pass the baby instead. There's nothing that I can really do, but pray and hope. I don't technically have to be on bed rest, but I shouldn't be lifting things or running marathons, so I plan on going to work after today if not only to keep my mind off of things until I know for sure what is going to happen. Craig came home and gave me a blessing and that comforted me in knowing that this is certainly in the Lord's hands and I trust in Him completely. We both are doing okay and have a lot of support from family at home, which helps immensely and which we are so grateful for. I will keep things posted as I know what is going on.
Tough times for sure, tough year for sure, but the Lord is over all and has suffered for us all, which means that he knows exactly what we are going through. That above all else will give us solace and peace.
Much love

Three three and under

You know, I don't think I ever would have thought in my farthest reaching imagination that I would be a 24 year old mother of three kids, three and under. If you had told me that when I was 18 I would have laughed in your face. But everyone says that, right?
Well it's official. I am 12 weeks along today, so I'm just coming out of the "danger zone". Still sick, but I've got my trusty Zofran to battle the puke monster while I'm at work. We are both excited and happy as can be.
I haven't posted pictures from Christmas or Scott and Lela's wedding or anything fun like that that has happened since the LAST time I posted forever ago, but hopefully I'll have the energy to come back to the planet and start communicating again! Weirdest thing, photography makes me sick as a dog. Even now just thinking about going through Christmas pictures is making my stomach church (hence why there's been a bit of a lag in that department too). Hopefully I'll come out of it soon and can pick up where I left off. :-) My creative juices are being put on hold for a while.
So yay! Keep updated for more...updates.
Chels and Fam. and "igor III"