No news IS good news

I meant to post like three days ago, but I had a program last night and have spent every night this week preparing for it and also just being beat tired, so I'm posting this morning instead!
Tuesday's appointment yielded these results:

• The baby is still healthy and well and was squirming around happily during the ultrasound. Yay!
• Last week my cervix had shrunk down to 2cm. The doctor told me this, but I didn't know what it meant, so I asked about it when I got there this time. Smaller cervixes are not as strong as longer ones and are less able to hold the baby in. Seeing my cervix so small was the biggest indicator last week that I might be miscarrying, in addition to the large blood clot. This week my cervix stretched back out to a nice long 3 cm and my doctor was "thrilled" to see this.
• The clot has not yet passed, but it has darkened significantly in color and my doctor said it looks as though it will dilute, break up and pass. I will start bleeding again when this occurs (oh joy!), but as long as it stays dark than I'm okay. I have no idea when it will pass, I have no idea how long it will take to pass, I have no idea what to expect other than to make sure I'm not bleeding bright red.
• The blod clot is 8cm by 6cm by 2cm, roughly the size of a silver dollar. It's big.
  
• I still have to take it easy and in the meantime have to reluctantly sit down and let other people do simple things for me. I feel dumb because I myself feel fine, but I have to remember that it's not my life necessarily that I'm trying to preserve here. Whenever someone offers to move a chair for me or insist that I sit down, my initial reaction is to shoo them off and tell them I'm fine, and then I think about how I would feel if the worst still came around and I only was left with trying to scrutinize and figure out what stupid thing it was I did that caused it. So I just bite my tongue and say thank you. Last night we had a music program and I had to finally leave as everyone was cleaning up because I couldn't move the curtains, I couldn't pick anything up, I couldn't stack chairs, I couldn't move stands or props and I was only sitting there for moral support. But if it means that everything works out fine in the end, I will be grateful for it.
  

My next appointment is in two weeks and until that point I just stay the course and hope this clot passes sometime so I don't have to sit and fret about it anymore. We're just happy the baby is still okay and that things are significantly better than they were last week! Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. If there is one thing I've realized through all this is that it's okay to rely on other people's faith as well as my own and trust that things will be okay. We all need each other and we all pray for each other and we all are loved and prayed for in return. It's a beautiful thing.
And life is good. :-)

Keep on the bright side of life!

So today is Sunday and I am at home because I got sick this morning (again). I am writing this entry while I wait for my food to digest a little bit and then I'm going back to bed to rest for a while. Things are still, as far as I know, up in the air as far as what will happen with the baby, which is torture because I'm not a very patient person and I'm also, understandably, anxious about what is going on. Since I last posted, few things have changed, but what has changed has given me a little hope, which I hate to count on incase I'm wrong, but at this point I kind of feel like no news is good news. I'm going to recount a couple of things that might seem a bit...ah, gross? No, graphic? Not that strong...basically I'm pretty sure only girls read this blog, so I'm fairly sure it won't be an issue anyway. :-)

Good News (I think)

• Last Tuesday when this happened, I cramped and bled the entire day- my cramps were so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand straight when I was walking, I had to hunch a little. Wednesday wasn't nearly as bad, and by Thursday my cramps were gone and I haven't had them like that since.
  
• The bleeding has all but stopped and I've passed some clot-like looking substances. Basically I'm just spotting a lot of brown stuff and it's not heavy in the slightest. I stopped bleeding red about the same time I stopped cramping.
  
• I'm still nauseous. I know that sounds weird, but when I miscarried I wasn't sick at all through the whole time I was pregnant and that was a red flag to me that something was wrong because usually I get quite ill. Yesterday I felt really good, which made me nervous, but it hit me like a rock this morning again and now I am home sick again. If nothing else it means that that good ol' HGC is pumping through me just fine, which hopefully means the baby is still okay.
  
• I haven't miscarried yet. No news is good news....no news is good news...

What makes me stay up at night with worry:

• All the "what if's?". What if I start bleeding again? What if I start cramping again? What if I'm okay and we go to the doctor on Tuesday and the clot isn't gone and the baby isn't going to make it? What if I hemmorage and I don't make it? They just get worse as I keep going, but you get the idea...
• All the "what was thats?". What was that twitch? What was that sting? What was that pain? What was that gurgle? Am I cramping? Am I bleeding? All of which cause frequent trips to the bathroom to find that nothing has changed and I'm still okay. And lots of deep sighs.
  

Some of the moments of clarity:

• Chloe asking me if I'm okay just as much as Craig is and always snuggling up next to me to tell me she's there to help me feel better and that everything is going to be okay (seriously, she says that). She gives me lots of hugs and often feels my forehead when I'm lying down to announce that I am warm and need to rest. When she left for church today I was sitting on the stairs and she came back three times to hug me and give me another kiss and tell me she loves me before she got in the car. And Linus just being himself and making me giggle at all the funny things he does. I try to catch him when he's getting tired and is carrying around his blanket and he comes right over to me and snuggles up with a heat meltiing sigh of comfort right up to my neck and lets me hold him like he was itty bitty again. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I am the luckiest mom in the world.
  
• Craig taking care of everything when he's at home. Cleaning, kids, dinner, everything. Any little furrow of my brow and he's checking in on how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, what he can get for me or do for me. And he still puts on a smile and makes me laugh whenever he can. Then I remember that no matter what happens, I'm the luckiest wife in the world.
• My amazing family on both sides that have dropped everything to help out. Craig's mom taking the kids from me whenever she can so I can get some rest. My mom coming up with the whole family on Thursday night to bring me dinner when Craig was at a pack meeting and bring me flowers and let my brother and sister play and help take care of the kids and then just visiting with me until they had to go back. My dad's montra "pass the clot! pass the clot!" and frequent messages of love whenever I need them most. All the emails and text messages of all my friends and family who are "just thinking about me and sending prayers and good thoughts". All of this has helped both Craig and I get through this week.
• The calm whisperings of the spirit when I am praying or reading or just trying to turn my thoughts in a better direction that the Lord is looking over me and the baby and our family and that no matter what happens, everything really is going to be okay.
  

So dispite all the hardships, it has made me grateful for what I have. Even grateful for puking! Okay, it still stinks, but at least I have a reason to be grateful for it, which believe me, I have had no reason to be grateful for until this point. Love you all, thanks for the kind words, prayers, thoughts, and love. It really has made a difference. :-)

Life happens to the best of us...

Yesterday I celebrated 14 weeks being pregnant.
Today was a good reminder that we are never exempt from trials.
The day started as usual, Craig had to leave early, so I got the kids fed and got Chloe ready for her preschool group. I put a movie in for the kids so I could go take a shower around 8:30. I got dressed and stared blow drying my hair and suddenly the normal feeling cramps I had been having that morning didn't feel so normal anymore. In fact they hurt pretty bad. I convinced myself that it was just gas or the baby was just growing, so I ignored it for a few minutes. When I got finished drying my hair, something told me I ought to call the doctor just in case. So I did. I debated on whether this was just a cheap way my subconscious was trying to find to get out of work that day, but I decided it was better to be safe than sorry. The cramping was constant and uncomfortable and painful. I described this to the nurse on the phone who told me that she wouldn't be able to tell me what was wrong over the phone, so I set up a time to come in at 10:30. I felt dumb, I was sure that I was going to just go in and they were going to tell me to go back to work, but I went ahead and got a sub for the day. My mother in law took Chloe to her preschool group and took Linus with her so I could get ready to go to the doctor. I sat down and quickly wrote out my plans for the sub, still feeling dumb until I stood up and realized that I'd been bleeding, pretty bad. I called my mother in law, I called Craig, and I called my doctor again and my mother in law, bless her heart, came right over and arranged so that she could drive me into the doctor. Forty minutes later we were in the ultrasound room looking at a healthy heart beat of a tiny baby in my tummy who, aside from looking a little cramped, looked very healthy. The lady doing the ultrasound was very kind and took measurements of the baby and printed me out some copies. I spotted some when I was pregnant with Chloe, and thought for sure that this must be the same thing, and the woman doing the ultrasound seemed to agree. We went back into the room, I called Craig and told him he probably wouldn't need to get off work, that the baby was fine, and that I would just rest and stay over at his mom's house for the day. A few minutes later, my doctor came in. My hope crashed to the floor as she explained that there was a large blood clot in my uterus, who knows why it's there, but it looks like my body is trying to miscarry the baby. There is a chance that it will heal on it's own and that I will just pass the clot and the pregnancy will carry on as normal. But there's also a chance that won't happen and that my body will pass the baby instead. There's nothing that I can really do, but pray and hope. I don't technically have to be on bed rest, but I shouldn't be lifting things or running marathons, so I plan on going to work after today if not only to keep my mind off of things until I know for sure what is going to happen. Craig came home and gave me a blessing and that comforted me in knowing that this is certainly in the Lord's hands and I trust in Him completely. We both are doing okay and have a lot of support from family at home, which helps immensely and which we are so grateful for. I will keep things posted as I know what is going on.
Tough times for sure, tough year for sure, but the Lord is over all and has suffered for us all, which means that he knows exactly what we are going through. That above all else will give us solace and peace.
Much love

Three three and under

You know, I don't think I ever would have thought in my farthest reaching imagination that I would be a 24 year old mother of three kids, three and under. If you had told me that when I was 18 I would have laughed in your face. But everyone says that, right?
Well it's official. I am 12 weeks along today, so I'm just coming out of the "danger zone". Still sick, but I've got my trusty Zofran to battle the puke monster while I'm at work. We are both excited and happy as can be.
I haven't posted pictures from Christmas or Scott and Lela's wedding or anything fun like that that has happened since the LAST time I posted forever ago, but hopefully I'll have the energy to come back to the planet and start communicating again! Weirdest thing, photography makes me sick as a dog. Even now just thinking about going through Christmas pictures is making my stomach church (hence why there's been a bit of a lag in that department too). Hopefully I'll come out of it soon and can pick up where I left off. :-) My creative juices are being put on hold for a while.
So yay! Keep updated for more...updates.
Chels and Fam. and "igor III"

Out of Town

Hello from snowy Utah!
I know I said I would post pictures of Chloe's birthday, but I don't have them with me and I should post these before it gets to be Easter. :-) Today is Christmas and we've had a wonderful morning with Craig's brother and his family as well as his wife's family, who came to stay as well. However, Christmas pictures will have to wait a few more days. We are spending the rest of this week into next here as well for Craig's brother's wedding (who is getting married to this beautiful lady here next week)- marking our first trip together as a family to Utah.
Our vacation has been pretty packed full, mostly with shopping, but we were also able to make a trip to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights in Salt Lake City. It was beautiful! We were only able to stay for about 40 minutes or so, but the kids were great (thanks Karen for letting us borrow your double stroller!), and even though they were so bundled up that they looked like scarecrows shoved into a stroller, they enjoyed seeing the lights. Linus loves pointing out Christmas lights, and so he was constantly awed and kept saying "Wuh...wiiiiiiiiights! Wuh...wiiiiiiights!" Chloe recognized the temple, which I promised her we would see, and she liked looking at the lights as well.

As you can see, it took a few minutes to get them all bundled and buckled in in the car lot. Linus didn't like waiting.


It was so peaceful on the square, even though there were a bazillion people. Somehow it still seemed reverent rather than a spectacle.


A nice passing lady took this picture for us.



After we left temple square, we went to see one of Craig's old mission companions for hot chocolate at his house in Salt Lake City. I asked Craig if he wanted me to take pictures while we were there, but he didn't want me to. But I did get this nasty shot of all the SMOG in the city on the drive out there. We were hopefully speculating that the clouds were just hanging really low, but upon asking his siblings when we got back, they informed us about the smog/weather patterns in Utah Valley that cause the smog to get really thick and nasty. They said it wasn't even that bad when we went out there, sometimes it gets so bad they don't even let kids out for recess. Reason number #99999999999 that we will not live in Utah EVER.



The next morning Craig and I went back to Temple Square to go through a session at the Salt Lake Temple because our soon to be sister-in-law was receiving her endowment. I didn't bring my camera with me that time, but I'm kinda glad that I did because it was so peaceful and nice to be able to just enjoy being there. Craig and I were early so we were able to spend some time at the Christus at the North Visitor's Center before we went though the session. Since it was early, we were the first ones up there. It really is beautiful and it was nice just to be able to sit there for a few minutes before we went into the temple. The session was just as amazing and we're glad we came out to Utah early so we could go. When we got out of the temple it was snowing enough to start accumulating on the roads. We were planning originally on seeing the Joseph Smith movie at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, but we were already late for the one we wanted to see, and we thought it would be better to hit the roads before they started to get too slick.
That evening Brent and Karen made marshmallow men with frosting and marshmallows, so Chloe joined them. Linus ate a couple of marshmallows, but he wasn't too interested in making any snowmen.



I have some pictures from Christmas morning, but I should probably start socializing and playing games instead of posting more pictures, so I'll save them for a couple of more days. :-)
Hope all of your Christmases were warm and merry!

MUSICA

For any interested, some of the best Christmas songs I know can be found on the CD entitled "Maybe This Christmas". They sell "Maybe This Christmas Tree" and "Maybe this Christmas Too", which are other good ones (but not as good) on iTunes, but so far I haven't been able to find "Maybe This Christmas" anywhere on it. You can get it on Amazon, though, for a decent price. If you come across it in your lifetimes, BUY IT! Some of the songs on it are featured directly to the right of this post on the cute little iPod I put on my blog. You can even push buttons on it and everything. The last song on the list of these songs is especially special, it's not featured on the above mentioned CD (nor is the Owl City one, sorry). For those of you who have heard "The worst Oh Holy Night ever" than you know what I mean by "special". For those of you who haven't, listen to it. The first time I heard it I about peed my pants laughing. Serious.
Thought I'd share some Christmas gems! Just got all the decorations put up today (thanks for the help, hub!), so I'm just all Christmas-eed out. :-) Still got Chloe's birthday pictures to put up before a month passes, coming soon! I promise.
Happy Holidays.

Silly Goose

Mommy (after a hug and a kiss from Chloe): Aw, Chloe, you're such a sweetie.
Chloe: No, I not Mommy.
Mommy: Oh, you're not?
Chloe: Nope
Mommy: Are you a princess?
Chloe: Nope
Mommy: Not even a fairy princess?
Chloe: Nope
Mommy: Well what are you then?
Chloe (with a shrug and spoken in a very drab voice): *sigh* Mommy, I just super girl...